It's A WondERful Life
by kleindog
Summary: When Abby contemplates taking her life just before Christmas, she gets some unexpected support from a former friend. FINAL CHAPTER IS POSTED!
1. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

It's a WondERful Life  
  
AUTHOR: Emma Stuart CATEGORY: Romance/Drama SPOILERS: None DISCLAIMER: I do not own ER, or any of the characters. I also don't own the movie I have borrowed from shamelessly, but that hasn't stopped me yet.  
  
SUMMARY: When she contemplates taking her life just before Christmas, Abby finds some unexpected help from a former colleague.  
  
ARCHIVE: Ask and ye shall receive.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the first chapter of my second fan fiction. Hope you enjoy it.  
  
Chapter 1. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas  
  
It was three days before Christmas, and Abby was cautiously optimistic that this might be the one Christmas holiday that would not suck. She glanced up at the board hanging over the ER administrative desk. It looked like they had caught up with most of the patients, and she might actually get off on time today. She had to wrap presents and finish decorating the tree in her apartment.  
  
Her mouth curved into a grin. Carter had actually talked her into getting a Christmas tree this year-she had not had one in over three years, not since her separation from Richard. And that one had been artificial-tasteful, as Richard proclaimed. This tree was as freshly cut as you could get on the streets of Chicago, and her whole apartment smelled like a pine grove. She had found a box of some of her childhood ornaments, tucked away forgotten in a closet, the detritus of half a dozen moves in her adult life. Carter was coming over tonight to decorate and to-well, whatever.  
  
She tucked her hair behind her ear, and turned away from the board to see Frank holding out the phone towards her. "Call for you," he announced gruffly.  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
He grimaced. "What am I, a psychic?"  
  
She silently took the receiver from his hand. "Hello?"  
  
"Abby?"  
  
She immediately recognized the frantic tones of her mother. "Maggie?" she asked in disbelief, "Where are you?"  
  
"I'm at O'Hare Airport." Abby's heart sunk as Maggie continued. "I was able to get a flight in this afternoon. Sweetheart," she rushed on, "I couldn't bear the thought of spending Christmas by myself again this year, so I got on a plane and came to join you."  
  
Abby could picture her mother beaming with her pronouncement. "Is everything alright, Mom?"  
  
Maggie answered belligerently, "Well, I'm on my meds, if that's what you're asking."  
  
"No, that wasn't what I was asking, but I'm glad to hear it, just the same." Abby hesitated, and plunged ahead. "What did Dr. Myers say about your trip here?" Dr. Myers was the therapist that Maggie had been seeing for the last 18 months. Maggie didn't respond.  
  
"Mom, you DID tell her, didn't you?"  
  
"Well-she didn't think it was such a good idea for me to come, but I missed my little girl."  
  
Abby put her palm to her forehead and pushed her bangs up in a gesture of frustration. "Mom-"  
  
Maggie cut her off. "Listen, honey, I'm going to go catch a cab to your hospital. I'll meet you there. We can go home together."  
  
Abby blurted, "No, wait, Maggie-" but it was too late. All she heard was a dial tone. "Merry freaking Christmas," she muttered in frustration, slamming the phone back down onto the receiver.  
  
"Hey, is that any way to treat an inanimate object?" Susan strolled up and slapped her case files onto the desk. When she saw her friend's face, she sobered. "What's the matter?"  
  
Abby gave her a wintry smile. "My mother is in town-she should be here any minute."  
  
Susan gave a low whistle. "Oh boy." She had heard the full story of Abby's mother over dinner together one night at Doc Magoo's, and recognized the full import of Abby's announcement.  
  
Susan glanced quickly around the waiting area and exam rooms. "Does Carter know?"  
  
"Not yet, but everyone will pretty soon." Abby sighed, "She doesn't exactly make a quiet entrance." She sighed again. "Guess I'd better warn John that Hurricane Maggie is about to hit shore."  
  
"Good luck-here he comes now. I'm going to go hide in the lounge." Susan moved briskly down the hallway.  
  
"Coward," Abby hissed after her.  
  
"Who's a coward?" John Carter asked as he stepped up to her side.  
  
She smiled up at him. The day had to get better, now that he was here. "Oh, no one." She reached down and clasped his hand. "Listen, I've got something I've got to tell you."  
  
He grimaced. "As a matter of fact, I have something to tell you-my parents are in town."  
  
Abby gaped up at him. "Together? I thought they were separated."  
  
"Last I heard, they were-but they're here on a common purpose. They want to get to know you." Carter was looking at the floor, not making eye contact.  
  
Abby closed her eyes. "Oh, God."  
  
"Gamma told them that we had been spending a lot of time together, and that has them curious about you." He put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder, sensing that she needed some comforting.  
  
"Oh, God," Abby repeated. "I thought we'd have a quiet Christmas with your Grandmother. What was I thinking of?"  
  
"Well, it will just be the five of us, including Gamma," Carter replied philosophically. "And you know Gamma likes you. How bad can it be?"  
  
"Six," Abby whispered.  
  
"What?" Carter bent his head closer to her mouth. "I didn't hear what you said."  
  
Abby took a deep breath. "I said six-there will be six of us." When Carter stared at her with a blank look, she explained, "Maggie just called. She's in town. Surprise."  
  
Carter let out a low whistle. "Surprise, indeed." 


	2. Blue Christmas

It's a WondERful Life  
  
AUTHOR: Emma Stuart CATEGORY: Romance/Drama SPOILERS: None DISCLAIMER: I do not own ER, or any of the characters. I also don't own the movie I have borrowed from shamelessly, but that hasn't stopped me yet.  
  
SUMMARY: When she contemplates taking her life just before Christmas, Abby finds some unexpected help from a former colleague.  
  
ARCHIVE: Ask and ye shall receive.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. Keep the feedback coming, please!  
  
Chapter 2. Blue Christmas  
  
Abby took a deep breath. "I said six-there will be six of us." When Carter stared at her with a blank look, she explained, "Maggie just called. She's in town. Surprise."  
  
Carter let out a low whistle. "Surprise, indeed."  
  
"John, what are we going to do? I don't think it's such a good idea for Maggie to spend much time with your family."  
  
"Why not?" Carter asked gently.  
  
She stared at him. "Well, for starters, we have no reassurance that she's taking her medication. And her therapist recommended she not take this trip." Abby ran her fingers through her hair. "That's hardly a setup for happy family interaction."  
  
"I know, Abby, I know. But it is Christmas, and she probably wanted to be with her family." He put both arms around her and hugged her hard. "Is that so hard to understand?"  
  
She stepped away from his embrace. "No, but I just think this could turn into a total disaster. And-and I had such high hopes." Her voice trailed off.  
  
Carter smiled. "Of a perfect holiday season?"  
  
She smiled in turn. "Well, yes, now that you mention it."  
  
He smirked at her. "No such thing. And if it makes you feel better, my family puts the fun in dysfunctional, so Maggie can hardly make things worse."  
  
"Oh, now I feel MUCH better!" Abby exclaimed, laughing. She pushed him away. "Get back to work before you bring the wrath of Weaver down on both our heads."  
  
Carter walked backwards toward the lounge. "Are we still on for tonight?'  
  
"You bet-I guess we'll just deal with things as they come." Abby crossed her fingers and hoped for the best. ---------- Forty-eight hours later. Christmas Eve. What a difference a day or two makes, Abby thought dully. She was standing on the river walk outside of the hospital, leaning against the railing, her face wet with tears. Everything was in ruins, her life was a shambles, and she didn't know what to do.  
  
The evening Maggie had arrived started out with promise. Maggie had arrived at the hospital, and all seemed well. She had come so far in her therapy that she had been able to fly on an airplane, and told Abby solemnly that flying was not as awful as she had remembered. Abby was calm and happy that first night, and acted with decorum around John and Susan and the other doctors, nurses, and hospital personnel. She had joined in with the tree trimming at Abby's apartment, recognizing and exclaiming over the ornaments from Abby's childhood. She had even had the tact to go to bed early and leave Abby alone with John for a while.  
  
But the next morning, Abby had seen warning signs. In retrospect, Abby thought, she should have recognized that her mother was off her medication, and that the stress of going to dinner with strangers was not helping her mental or emotional state. Maggie was manic, racing about the house cleaning and organizing, and making plans for dinner that night. John had invited them over to his Grandmother's house for dinner; his parents were to arrive that afternoon, and he thought it would be nice for everyone to meet and get to know each other before Christmas Eve.  
  
Abby laughed mirthlessly, thinking of Carter's optimistic outlook on the situation. That family dinner had been a disaster. She had picked up Maggie from her apartment and taken a taxi to the Carters' House, and had been so distracted by the rush to change from hospital scrubs to something suitable for the evening ahead that she had not paid much attention to Maggie. When they arrived at the house and Carter took Maggie's coat, Abby was shocked to see her mother in a miniskirt and spangled blouse, her hair teased into ringlets, with four-inch heels and fishnet stockings. Christ, she looked like a hooker, Abby thought with horror. She glanced at Carter and saw that he was slack-jawed with shock.  
  
From there, it was all down hill. Gamma was unflappable as always, her true affection and compassion for Abby tempering any reaction to Abby's mother. John's mother and father were a different story entirely. Mrs. Carter grew more and more frosty as the evening progressed, and asked a number of pointed questions about Maggie's family and Abby's childhood and current life. Mr. Carter drank quite heavily and began flirting with Maggie as the evening moved along. Maggie had several glasses of wine as well, and was not at all adverse to flirting right back. She kept clutching Mr. Carter by the arm, laughing raucously.  
  
Abby wished like hell that she had fallen off the wagon so she could drink herself into a stupor. She pleaded to a headache to end the evening early, and insisted on calling a taxi to take them home, rather than be driven by the Carter family chauffeur. Shoving her mother into a taxi, Abby left as quickly as possible, distractedly thanking Gamma and making eye contact briefly with John, who looked sad and concerned in the foyer behind his grandmother.  
  
As if the evening hadn't been bad enough, the next day was even worse. She had had a horrible fight with Maggie in the morning. Maggie accused her of being ashamed of her mother, she had readily agreed, and the fight escalated into an ugly brawl, ending with Abby telling Maggie "I wish I had never been born!" Maggie had echoed the wish, gathered her things, and run out the door.  
  
Abby had then made several stupid mistakes at work, mixing up charts and patients, and at one point cutting her hand. Her absentmindedness was blatant enough for Dr. Weaver to chew her out and ask what kind of nurse she was to be working so sloppily. She had even tried to speak with Luka for a moment or so, but he was preoccupied with his caseload that day, and said he'd speak with her later.  
  
And Carter. God, she thought, tears streaming down her face. He would barely look at her. He had to be ashamed of her and her mother, and sorry he had ever gotten into a relationship with her. She had tried to speak with him several times, but he had brushed her aside, claiming he was too busy.  
  
When she asked about dinner that night, he had stammered that maybe it was better for them to spend Christmas Eve apart, with their own families. She gaped at him. "Why?"  
  
"Because," he explained patiently, "it's painful for you and it's painful for me. We'd be better off celebrating Christmas together after the holiday."  
  
Abby stared at him, a hurt expression on her features. "You're ashamed of me, aren't you?"  
  
"No, no" Carter stammered hastily, "not you. But Maggie-is a little much to take."  
  
"And your parents aren't?" she shot back.  
  
He looked angry. "I'm not saying my parents are perfect, they're not. And that's why we're probably better off celebrating with our own families."  
  
"Fine," Abby choked out, fighting to keep her emotions under control, "if you feel that way, there's no point in celebrating Christmas later, and there's no point in continuing this relationship. You stay with your family, John, and I'll stay with mine. I'm through with you."  
  
He tried to grab her arm as she swung away. "Abby, wait, this isn't what I want," but she wrenched her arm away and stormed down the hall to the ladies room. When she came out half an hour later, he had left for the night. See how much he cares about me, she thought dully. He had left the hospital early, as had Susan and Luka. She stayed at work until 10:00 that evening, so that Haleh and Yosh and Lydia could leave early. They had families and loved ones waiting for them. Her shift was over, but she could not go home.  
  
Why should she go home? There was no reason. God knows where her mother had gone. She felt totally empty inside. Wiping tears away from both cheeks, Abby stood up from her leaning position against the railing. "I meant what I said, Mom," she shouted suddenly. "I wish I had never been born! Everyone would have been better off!" What had she ever done with her life besides make one mistake after another? The mother she couldn't help, the lover who didn't want her, the ex-husband whose life she made miserable, the baby she had aborted. She has made one mistake after another, all culminating here. Well, enough was enough.  
  
She looked down into the swirling waters of the river below, and made a sudden decision. Nothing left to live for. She swung her leg over the railing and pulled herself up and over until she perched on the thin cement ledge. Nothing left to live for. She leaned against the railing and took a deep breath. Nothing left to live for.  
  
"Abby, don't." The quiet words startled her. She grasped the railing and spun around.  
  
"You?" she gasped in shock. 


	3. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

It's a WondERful Life  
  
AUTHOR: Emma Stuart CATEGORY: Romance/Drama SPOILERS: None DISCLAIMER: I do not own ER, or any of the characters. I also don't own the movie I have borrowed from shamelessly, but that hasn't stopped me yet.  
  
SUMMARY: When she contemplates taking her life just before Christmas, Abby finds some unexpected help from a former colleague.  
  
ARCHIVE: Ask and ye shall receive  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'll be on vacation the next week, coming up with the rest of the story. But I couldn't leave you hanging! Stay tuned.  
  
Chapter 3. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen  
  
"Abby, don't." The quiet words startled her. She grasped the railing and spun around.  
  
"You?" she gasped in shock, "But I thought you were dead. I went to your funeral!"  
  
Mark Green shrugged his shoulders. "I am dead. But that doesn't mean I'm not standing here and talking to you." When he saw her tottering near the edge of the ledge, he moved forward quickly and grasped her elbow. "Hey, careful now. I don't want to lose my first case before I begin." He helped Abby over the railing, and she sat down abruptly, drawing her knees to her chest and lowering her head to her knees.  
  
Taking several deep breaths, she raised her head and looked at Mark. He was wearing green scrubs and the same shabby clogs he had worn the last time she had seen him in the ER. But the look of worry was erased from his face, and he had a wonderful serenity about him. "You're still here," she wailed. "I thought my imagination was playing tricks."  
  
Mark spread his arms and said, "No tricks. It's me."  
  
She smiled up at him. "Well, it's good to see you, dead or alive. I've missed you-we all have." She broke off abruptly as she replayed his previous words in her mind. "You said that I was your first case," she repeated cautiously. "What does that mean? Oh, God, you're not the first of four ghosts to visit me tonight, are you?"  
  
Mark smiled gently and hunkered down in front of her. "Nope, wrong movie. I was sent here tonight because you were thinking of taking your life, and I want to show you what a mistake that would be."  
  
Abby let out a shaky laugh, "Oh, I love that movie-where Jimmy Stewart runs down the street, screaming, 'Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas, Movie Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Savings and Loan!' " She smiled wistfully at the memory.  
  
Mark grinned and stood up. "Yeah, I loved that movie too. But I'm the real deal tonight, and we've got work to do." He reached out his hand to her and pulled her to her feet. "How do you feel?"  
  
Abby frowned. Her hand, which had been throbbing from the earlier cut, felt fine. Looking at the palm, she realized that the cut and bandage were gone. She swallowed, and noticed that the sore throat she had earlier in the day had vanished. "I feel fine. What happened to my hand? The cut is gone. Did you perform a miracle?"  
  
"No, you got your wish."  
  
"Wish? What wish?" Abby looked mystified.  
  
Mark took both of her hands in his, and replied, "You wished you had never been born. You got your wish. You don't exist. You never did. Poof! Now, it's my job to show you what the world without you would have been like."  
  
Abby laughed and pulled her hands away from his grasp. "Oh, no, I'm hallucinating. This can't be for real."  
  
Mark smiled, but shook his head from side to side. "No, this is all very real. People can see and hear you, touch you even, but they do not know you as Abby Lockhart, because you never existed."  
  
She stared at him. "Who are you in this scenario? Clarence? Are you earning your wings?"  
  
Mark shrugged. "We all have to earn our wings someway. This is the task that I've been given. Now, c'mon, we've got a long night ahead of us." He took her hand and stated in stern tones, "Touch the hem of my garment and we shall be invisible."  
  
Abby gaped at him. "Will I be able to fly?"  
  
"No, I've just always wanted to say that." He grinned at her, and took a firmer grasp of her hand. "Let's go-now." 


	4. In the Bleak Midwinter

It's a WondERful Life  
  
AUTHOR: Emma Stuart CATEGORY: Romance/Drama SPOILERS: None DISCLAIMER: I do not own ER, or any of the characters. I also don't own the movie I have borrowed from shamelessly, but that hasn't stopped me yet.  
  
SUMMARY: When she contemplates taking her life just before Christmas, Abby finds some unexpected help from a former colleague.  
  
ARCHIVE: Ask and ye shall receive  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'm back from vacation, and back in the saddle. Thanks for the reviews and emails-they acted like a kick in the pants to get me writing again.  
  
Chapter 4. In the Bleak Midwinter  
  
"No, I've just always wanted to say that." Mark grinned at her, and took a firmer grasp of her hand. "Let's go-now."  
  
Abby shrank back. "Go where? I'm not so sure I like this."  
  
Mark continued smiling at her. "This from the woman who said 'Forget Superman, I'll take Mark Green'?"  
  
Abby blushed and shrugged. "Hey, you were dead. I didn't think you were listening. But seriously, I don't want to do this."  
  
"No longer your choice," Mark replied grimly. "Hold on, we're going." Fog swirled up around them; it was pretty amazing for such a clear, cold evening. With a flash of light and a rumble of thunder, they found themselves standing outside a squalid apartment building.  
  
"Wow, that was some special effects-how did you do that?" Abby gaped at Mark in amazement.  
  
"Trade secret. It's some sort of slide through time-I can't explain it. Damn it, Jim, I was a doctor, not a mad scientist." Mark grinned at her, then sobered. "Now, on with the job at hand-do you recognize where we are?"  
  
Abby nodded grimly. "I sure do. It's one of the apartments I lived in while I was growing up." Even in the darkness, she could see that the building was deserted, the entryway strewn with garbage and overgrown with weeds. "Looks like it's abandoned."  
  
"Actually, it's condemned. Scheduled to be torn down next week." Mark looked at her intently. "Something significant happened here, when you were a child. Do you remember?"  
  
Abby stepped away from him and crossed her arms over her chest. She swallowed before she replied, "Maggie-my mother was off her medication, and acting crazy. She chased my brother and me around the apartment with a knife."  
  
Mark nodded. "That's right-and you were able to get Eric into a closet and lock both of you in until she calmed down, right?" He furrowed his brow and quickly continued, "But, no, wait, since you were never born, it didn't quite happen that way."  
  
She peered up at him intently, and then asked slowly, "What are you talking about?"  
  
"Well, like you said, Maggie had't taken her medication, and she did chase Eric around the apartment with a knife. But Eric didn't make it into the closet-"  
  
"Oh, no," Abby interrupted, "I don't want to hear this!"  
  
Mark continued relentlessly, "He didn't make it into the closet. Maggie slipped on the hall rug and fell on him, and stabbed him by accident."  
  
Abby was crying now, tears falling slowly down her face. "Was he-"  
  
"He died before the ambulance could arrive." Mark scuffed his shoe along the ground as Abby continued to cry silently. He looked solemnly into her eyes. "There's more."  
  
"More?" Abby ran her hands through her hair, and clasped her hands behind her neck. "What else could you possibly tell me?"  
  
"The police didn't believe it was an accident. Neighbors claimed they could hear Maggie screaming that she was going to kill Eric if she caught him."  
  
Abby stared at him. "But she always said things like that when she was enraged. No one believed her. How could they? She was-"  
  
"Sick? Crazy?" Mark finished the sentence for her. "That's exactly what the district attorney argued when they prosecuted her for manslaughter."  
  
Abby wiped her face with both hands. "Where is she now?"  
  
"In a psychiatric ward-she's been there for nearly 20 years, with little hope of parole. Her mental condition keeps deteriorating, and she can remember little of what has happened in her life." Mark crossed his arms on his chest. "I guess in a way that that is blessing." He looked at her intently. "Do you want to see her?"  
  
"Oh, no, no-" Abby backed away from him.  
  
"Abby, you really need to see her," Mark replied.  
  
Before she could answer, she was standing next to Mark in a small room resembling a prison cell; it was stark, with bare walls and the minimum amount of furniture: a bed a chair, and a table. Someone sat on the bed, rocking.  
  
Abby looked at Mark in disbelief. "Is she.?"  
  
He nodded at her. "It's Maggie."  
  
The woman sitting on the bed looked like she was about 70 years old, with unkempt gray hair and mussed clothes. She glanced up at Abby and Mark with a vacant stare. "Is it time to eat?" she asked in a dreamy voice.  
  
Abby knelt beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Mom?" she asked hesitantly, "Mom, it's me, Abby."  
  
Maggie shrunk away from her. "Abby who?"  
  
Mark quickly intervened by stating, "She doesn't know you, remember? You don't exist-you weren't at that apartment to save your brother's life, or to keep your mother from doing something horrible because you were never born. Eric is gone, and your mother is lost to reality."  
  
Abby glared up at him. "What do you mean? She'll get better, won't she?"  
  
Mark spread his hands in front of him. "Why should she? What does she have to live for anymore? Her son's dead and she's imprisoned without hope of parole."  
  
Abby turned back to her mother. "Mom," she tried again.  
  
"Abby, this is pointless." Mark exclaimed. "She doesn't know you," he repeated emphatically.  
  
"I don't believe you," Abby exclaimed. "Mom, you've got to recognize me."  
  
Maggie looked very frightened, and pushed Abby's hands away from her. Flattening herself against the wall behind the bed, she cried out in an agitated voice, "I don't know you! Who are you? Why are you bothering me?" A maniacal gleam entered her eyes and she crowed, "You're here to hurt me, aren't you? I knew you'd come!" Her voice rose to a shout "Help! Nurse! Someone! Help me!"  
  
"We've got to go now." Mark grabbed Abby by the shoulders and pulled her against him. With another burst of light, they stood outside the familiar emergency room doors of County General. Mark put both arms around Abby and let her cry until she calmed down.  
  
"How could such a thing happen?" she sobbed helplessly.  
  
Mark replied calmly, "You weren't there, remember?" He hesitated, and continued, "You were the glue that held your family together, Abby. Without you there, the family fell apart." He paused and said, "Are you ready to go in?"  
  
"Go in?" Abby repeated dully.  
  
Mark inclined his head toward the hospital. "There's more for you to see."  
  
Abby shook her head vehemently. "What could you possibly show me in County General? I made no difference there whatsoever-hell, I couldn't even complete my training as a doctor. I was a nurse."  
  
"Oh, Abby," Mark chided her. "Do you really believe that?" He reached for her and clasped her hand. "C'mon."  
  
Another flash of light and they stood inside County General, adjacent to the hospital birthing rooms. Mark crossed his arms and explained, "How about all of those births that you assisted-some of those difficult ones, where the baby was breech or there were problems with the umbilical cord? You saved a lot of lives through your decisions and your quick intervention." He sighed heavily. "Of course, some of those babies didn't make it because you weren't there to intervene."  
  
Abby looked at him in disbelief. "There were other nurses to help-"  
  
"But not you." Mark responded firmly. "And do you even realize the difference you made in the Emergency Room?" At her blank look, he nodded toward the stairs. "C'mon, let's go see." 


	5. Silent Night

It's a WondERful Life  
  
AUTHOR: Emma Stuart CATEGORY: Romance/Drama SPOILERS: None DISCLAIMER: I do not own ER, or any of the characters. I also don't own the movie I have borrowed from shamelessly, but that hasn't stopped me yet.  
  
SUMMARY: When she contemplates taking her life just before Christmas, Abby finds some unexpected help from a former colleague.  
  
ARCHIVE: Ask and ye shall receive  
  
Chapter 5. Silent Night  
  
Abby shrank back. "I think I've seen enough."  
  
"Sorry, Abby, you've got to see it all." Grasping her hand, he propelled her down the stairs and into the Emergency Ward. All was hustle and bustle, as usual. But she did not recognize very many people. Oh, wait; there was Frank over at admissions, griping to Dr. Lewis, who was munching on a bagel and ignoring him-nothing new there. And Haleh and Lydia were huddled together over a set of forms, apparently deciphering what was written in the illegible hand of some doctor. And there-there was Dr. Weaver, moving swiftly down the hall and calling for Dr. Chen. But, where was Luka? Where was Carter?  
  
As if he could read her mind, Mark responded, "Luka returned to Croatia after Carol left for Seattle. He was too despondent, and felt that he couldn't make any friends."  
  
"Nonsense," Abby responded briskly, "Luka is one of the kindest men I know. He wouldn't have any trouble making friends."  
  
Mark looked at her evenly. "But you see, you were in the right place at the right time to help him adjust to Carol's departure. And you helped him get through some tough emotional times. Only-you aren't here, so he grew more isolated and felt he needed to return home."  
  
"What a loss for this hospital," Abby breathed. Fearfully, she looked up at Mark. "What about Carter?"  
  
Mark was silent. Abby glared at him as the silence stretched on. "Mark, you're scaring me. Where is John?"  
  
Mark held a finger to his lips and pointed to the conversation that was taking place at the admissions desk. Malik had strolled up and was talking to Lydia and Haleh, who were now standing around a half-empty punch bowl, sipping on cups of fruit punch.  
  
"Shhhhh." Mark silenced her, "listen." Abby drew nearer to the group, as Mark discretely faded into the background.  
  
"Mrs. Carter was in today." Haleh announced, shaking her head. "That poor old woman."  
  
"That rich old woman," snorted Malik. Haleh and Lydia both glared at him.  
  
"That's just ignorant, Malik," Haleh exclaimed. "How rich would you feel if you'd lost your favorite grandson?" She shook her head in despair. "And to lose him in such a way-a talented young doctor, dying of a drug overdose."  
  
"What?" gasped Abby, "What are you talking about?"  
  
The three nurses looked blankly at Abby. "What business is it of yours?" Malik asked huffily.  
  
"I-" Abby hesitated and continued, "I know Mrs. Carter."  
  
"Humpf," responded Haleh, "then you know that her grandson, John Carter, died of an overdose last year." At the shocked look on Abby's face, she continued in a gentler tone, "He was sneaking drugs to cope with the pain he had after he was stabbed that awful Valentine's Day. Guess it just got out of hand, and he was found dead on the bathroom floor of his grandmother's house." She shook her head sadly, "That poor woman, having to find him like that."  
  
Lydia added softly, "The real shame was that none of us noticed anything wrong with him. We thought he was getting help, and life being crazy down here, didn't take the time to reach out to him. Not that it would have helped, though-he was a pretty private person."  
  
The three nurses noticed Dr. Weaver approaching. "Gotta go," whispered Haleh, "Work to do." They scattered to various exam rooms, leaving Abby standing numbly in the middle of the hallway. Mark slowly approached her from behind. "Abby," he said quietly, reaching out to touch her shoulder.  
  
"No," Abby blurted, "This is all wrong. He didn't die, he couldn't have!"  
  
"Abby, you were the one who recognized the signs of his addiction, who caught him with the drugs and reported him."  
  
Abby looked at him blankly, "I know, but others would have noticed eventually-"  
  
"Others didn't," Mark responded tersely. "Hell, I didn't, Dr. Weaver didn't, Peter Benton didn't, and we had worked with him for years. You noticed and reported it, and, little as he appreciated it, we were able to get him into therapy. And it saved his life." He stopped, and continued, "But since you don't exist, no one noticed-or if anyone did, they didn't have the courage to confront him."  
  
Abby sobbed out, "But why?"  
  
"Who knows why?" Mark spread his hands helplessly in front of him. "Who knows why you've made the choices that you have in your life. It may not have been perfect, but you had a pretty good life, Abby. You influenced people in ways that you weren't always aware of, and had a major affect on a number of lives around you." He sighed heavily, "I should know, I felt really sorry for myself before I died-poor me, it was so unfair, blahblahblah. Then I sat back and looked at my relationship with my father before he died, my daughters, my wife, the work I did in the ER. It wasn't perfect, and I made a lot of mistakes, but I lived a wonderful life-and so did you."  
  
Abby pushed away from him, tears running down her face. "You're right, you're right-oh, God, I'm so sorry for wanting to die. I've got to get out of here. I've got to get back." She raced toward the doors."  
  
"Wait, Abby-" Mark called out, but she had already burst out the doors and away from him. "You're welcome," he said softly. A small smile on his face, he gazed fondly around the ER, and looked heavenward. "Not bad for the first time out of the chute, huh?" he asked. Turning back towards the admissions area, where Kerry and Frank still stood, he raised his arms over his head and shouted, "Merry Christmas, you wonderful old ER!" and faded away in a sparkling of light.  
  
Kerry stared toward the doors, her jaw agape. "Wasn't that--?" she asked Frank.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't see anything, and I'm definitely not having any more punch tonight." Frank replied firmly. 


	6. I'll Be Home for Christmas

It's a WondERful Life  
  
AUTHOR: Emma Stuart CATEGORY: Romance/Drama SPOILERS: Eric's condition and the ugliness between Abby, Eric, and Maggie have not happened in my universe-at least, not yet. DISCLAIMER: I do not own ER, or any of the characters. I also don't own the movie I have borrowed from shamelessly, but that hasn't stopped me yet.  
  
SUMMARY: When she contemplates taking her life just before Christmas, Abby finds some unexpected help from a former colleague. FINAL CHAPTER is posted- thanks to all reviewers (Anna, you know who you are) who urged me to get off my lazy rear end and finish this. Happy holidays, everyone!  
  
ARCHIVE: Ask and ye shall receive  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES:  
  
Chapter 6. I'll Be Home for Christmas  
  
Abby ran heedlessly, the only thought in her head that she had to get back to the river overlook, the place where all of this started. It had started to snow, so the roads and sidewalk were slippery, and she slid and lurched as she ran, but she kept running.  
  
She was breathless and had a stitch in her side when she reached the railing. Leaning against the rail, she prayed breathlessly, "Please, God, I'm sorry for what I said. I don't want to be dead, I want to live. I'm so sorry, just set things back to the way that they were. Please don't leave things like this, please help me." She hugged her arms around her shaking body and sobbed, sliding down the railing into a heap on the sidewalk.  
  
"Abby," a quiet voice asked just over her head. Oh, God, she thought, not another ghost.  
  
"Abby," the voice repeated. Looking up fearfully, she saw Luka towering over her, concern etched in his face. "Are you OK?"  
  
"You're here," she breathed in amazement, "and you know who I am?"  
  
He stared at her as if she were crazy. "Yes, I know who you are. Why wouldn't I?"  
  
Abby realized that she was wet and cold. Her throat was scratchy again. And her hand was throbbing with pain. Her hand! Looking at her palm, she saw the bandage was back in place.  
  
"Oh my God!' she breathed, "My hand hurts!" Laughing hysterically, she scrambled to her feet and shoved her palm under Luka's nose. "My hand hurts! Do you know what this means?  
  
"Yes, it means you cut your hand," Luka responded tersely, clasping her hand and moving it away from his face. "Abby, I was worried about you. That's why I came back to the hospital. What are you doing out here, sitting on the ground in the cold?"  
  
"Oh, Luka," Abby cried out with a wide smile, "How do you like that! I'm alive, Luka!" She leaped toward him and clasped him tightly around the neck. "And you didn't go back to Croatia!"  
  
Momentarily stunned by her embrace, Luka stood motionless, but as remembrance flooded through him, his arms came up about her and he clasped her tightly to him. "Why would you think I was going back to Croatia?" he asked in a bemused tone.  
  
She looked up at him, tears running down her face, and cupped his cheek with one of her hands. "Never mind-I'm just glad you're here."  
  
Luka gazed down at her with a strange intensity. "Abby-" he blurted before she gave a gasp and pulled abruptly away from him.  
  
"Oh my God, my mother! I've got to find Maggie. She left this morning, and I need to make things right between us." She turned away and ran a few steps, then ran back to him. Leaning up, she kissed him gently on his lips. "Merry Christmas, Luka," she sang out. Her smile dazzled him.  
  
"Abby, wait-" he exclaimed as she sprinted away again. "Let me drive you home, it's too late to take the El," he called after her. But she was gone, running and sliding as quickly as her feet would take her, laughing as she lurched along in the slush. Luka shook his head in amazement-he had never seen her this happy. And he had missed his chance with her yet again.  
  
"It's not too late, it's not too late," kept ringing in Abby's head like a mantra. Her feet flew up the steps to the El and she raced onto the waiting train just as the doors were closing. The train ride seemed to take forever, but a wonderful sense of peace and well-being had descended upon her, and she felt anxious to share this with her mother, and to set things right between them.  
  
As she hurried along the sidewalk toward her apartment, she spied someone sitting huddled on her front steps-her mother. Maggie looked lost and cold, shivering on the front stoop in a thin coat. "Maggie!" Abby cried and raced toward the steps. Maggie's head snapped toward Abby and she stood abruptly, her face crumbling with relief and remorse. "Oh, Abby, sweetie!" she cried as Abby threw her arms around her. They wobbled and sat down abruptly on the stoop, clinging to each other.  
  
"Oh, Abby, honey, I am so sorry. Everything is my fault," Maggie sobbed. "I screw up everything I touch!"  
  
"Shh, shh, shh," Abby hushed her. "It was my fault, I had no right to speak to you like that or treat you that way. Can you forgive me?"  
  
Maggie looked shocked. "Oh, honey, there's nothing for me to forgive. But, I ruined your Christmas."  
  
"No," Abby laughed joyously, "You made my Christmas. You will never believe what I've been through this evening!"  
  
Maggie looked at her in bewilderment. "Honey, are you feeling alright? I came back to the apartment this evening, and when you weren't here I was so worried. I called the hospital and they said you had left. We've been looking for you everywhere-"  
  
"Never mind where I was, we're here together now." She took Maggie's hands in hers, and chafed them to warm them. "I don't care what happened last night. It doesn't matter. You're my mother, and I love you. And I'm so lucky to have you." Abby hugged her hard. "It took me awhile to realize it, but I'm lucky and I have a lot to be thankful for. And if it's just us for Christmas, we'll have a wonderful time. Just the two of us."  
  
"Three of us," said a quiet voice behind her. Turning on the stoop, Abby looked into her brother's eyes. He stood on the sidewalk, tall and handsome in his uniform, legs apart and hands jammed into his pockets.  
  
"Eric!" she shrieked, and ran to hug him, knocking his hat to the ground in the process. He laughed at Abby as she cried and babbled, "When did you- how did you-oh, you're here! And you're alright!"  
  
"Of course, I'm alright. Why wouldn't I be alright?" he retorted. "I put in for leave over the holiday, and wanted to surprise you and Mom." He looked at her quizzically. "But instead of having a nice, quiet meal with my family, I've spent the entire evening cruising around town, looking for you. Where the hell have you been?"  
  
She hugged him hard. "You'd never believe it." She turned toward Maggie, smiling broadly. "Doesn't he look wonderful, Mom?"  
  
Maggie looked with misty eyes at both of them. "You both look wonderful. I never thought I'd see the day where we'd be together at Christmas again."  
  
Abby glanced up at Eric. "You spent the whole evening looking for me? Have you been pounding the streets? You must be exhausted."  
  
"No, I've been riding around-"  
  
"With me," Carter finished Eric's sentence as he walked slowly around the corner. He stood behind Eric, staring at Abby. A silence fell over the small group.  
  
Maggie stood abruptly from the steps and held out one hand to Eric. "Come on, Honey, let's go inside and let John and Abby have a moment alone." As she pulled him up the stairs to the front door of the apartment house, she whispered to Abby, "You take your time, sweetie, we'll be inside waiting for you."  
  
The door closed behind their retreating figures, leaving Carter and Abby staring at each other.  
  
"I'm sorry," Carter said quietly. "I am really sorry for the things I said to you. I've been sick with worry tonight looking for you. I kept imagining all sorts of horrible things."  
  
Abby smiled sadly at him. "You don't have to be sorry, everything you said was true. But you know what? She's my mother, my family, and I love her no matter what she does." She took a deep breath. "It took a special person to point it out to me, but I'm damned lucky to have her and my brother, my friends, my job, and the life I lead. And you." She spread her hands in front of her, a rueful smile on her face. "I have a wonderful life, do you know that? Problem is, I spend so much time looking at the shadows that I neglect to see the sunlight. But I want that to be different now. I want to concentrate on coming out of the shadows. Well," she hesitated, "maybe I don't want to stay in the sunlight all of the time-that would be too big of a change for me. But reduce the time in the shadows? You bet." She took a step toward Carter. "My question is: do you want to walk out of the shadows with me?"  
  
"Abby-"  
  
"Believe me, I'll understand if you say no," she quickly interrupted. "I haven't made you very happy, have I? Our families don't deal very well with each other. You do know that I want you to be happy, don't you?"  
  
Carter looked at the ground and swallowed hard, then gazed up at her. She was stunned to see tears in his eyes. "If you don't know by now that I choose you, happy, sad, or whatever, I guess you don't know me at all." He jammed both his hands into his jacket pockets. "You do make me happy, I'm just too thick headed to realize it at times." He took a deep breath. "I was so afraid tonight when I called Maggie and she said you weren't home yet. I drove around imagining that something horrible had happened to you, and I blamed myself for being so selfish and worrying about a stupid dinner with my family rather than your feelings. When I couldn't find you, I imagined what life would be like without you, and it was too terrible to think about." He stopped abruptly, and added, "My family can take care of itself. My only concern should be you."  
  
"John, I never meant to worry you. I've actually had a fantastic adventure tonight, and someday I'll tell you all about it. But among the many things I realized tonight, the most important was that I don't want to be without you, either." She folded her arms in front of her chest. "I lost you for awhile tonight, and I don't ever want to feel that way again."  
  
Each took a step toward the other, then another until they were in each other's arms. Abby snuggled closer to Carter, and gave a contented sigh. "Oh, that's much, much better."  
  
Carter pulled her closer to him. "You're freezing," he marveled, as he wrapped his arms tighter about her waist. "Have you been walking around in the cold all night?"  
  
"Mmmm hmmm," she murmured, not wanting to break contact.  
  
They stood in each other's arms for what seemed an eternity, content and complete. Somewhere in the distance, they heard a clock chime. Midnight. Christmas Day. Abby started giggling.  
  
"What?" Carter asked, pulling back to peer into her face.  
  
"Remember that old movie, where Jimmy Stewart's daughter-what was her name? Zady? Zena?'  
  
"Was it that Christmas movie?" Carter asked. When she nodded, he responded, "Wasn't it ZuZu,?"  
  
"THAT'S IT! Zuzu! Anyway, remember when she said, 'Teacher says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings'?"  
  
Carter smiled. "Is this going somewhere?"  
  
"Well, I just heard the bells ring, and I hope that that means my angel got his wings." As she looked up into the night sky, she spotted a shooting star streaking toward earth. "Oh, look! It must be a sign! That's it! Way to go, Mark!"  
  
Carter peered into her face with amusement. "I'd ask if you've been drinking, but I don't want to ruin the moment." He tenderly took her face in his hands and kissed her. "Merry Christmas, you lunatic. I love you."  
  
She smiled at him. "Merry Christmas, Carter. Right back at you." 


End file.
